Anger and Bliss

The transformation of each of us takes place at the center, where the suffering is the most intense.

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01/21/2018

Last week we received Michael’s new numbers from the hospital, the numbers that speak to us of progress or lack of progress with his disease. The numbers still aren’t good.

As I take in this new information the usual feelings overwhelm me. I seem to have to work through the same cacophony every time: shock, frustration, resignation, sorrow, and finally, acceptance. But this week is different. This week I feel anger sneaking its snarly little head into the mix, stuck in the crevice between resignation and sorrow. And though anger has been here before, this is an onslaught and it stays with me for several days.

Along with Michael’s quality of life, my life quality has also diminished considerably and I begin to justify my angry stance. “I’m sick of this life we have. I feel like a prisoner. How much longer is this going to go on? What’s he hanging on to? Why can’t he let go? Why can’t he die?” ‘Prisoner’ and ‘die’ are the words that stand out to me and I hear how angry and resentful I am. These are true feelings, but these are not the beautiful feelings. This is how ugly it can get inside a human mind.

After a few days I find my better self and I speak gently with Michael about my anger. In turn, he shares his own version of the darkness, “It’s not fair that I got this illness! It’s taking everything from me. My life has been destroyed. I can’t whistle, I can’t walk the way I used to, my ability to pursue my life has been taken away. My hands are clumsy and eating is a problem. Why don’t I just die? It would be better for everyone if I just died.”

As he speaks I realize that these stories of victimization are understandable and normal. But they are not pretty, and certainly not the way either one of us wants to feel. It is the mind’s way of coping with events that are just too hard and too brutal to grasp and our minds make up all kinds of stories to explain the pain we are in. It takes real effort to witness this mind game and to realize that it doesn’t need to be believed. We are not our thoughts!

To work through the anger and the stories, I have to muster the courage and humility to speak it to Michael. Thankfully, he can hear me. We are good partners, and I am grateful for the gentle ways in which we are treating each other. I’m not saying we haven’t always been kind and respectful, because we have. But it is deeper now because there’s more at stake. We both know this and we both work at this.

As soon as I hear the story I’m telling myself, and once I say it out loud, I realize again that I’m not a victim here. I’m exactly where I should be, and exactly where I’m supposed to be. For what good does it do to believe otherwise?

For instance, if I’m not exactly where I’m supposed to be, then where am I? Where I’m not supposed to be? How can that even be possible? If I’m here, then I’m supposed to be here. It’s just a rule of reality.

Of course that doesn’t mean that I don’t strive toward the Good, strive toward growth and something better, for that striving is infinite and ongoing. But to recognize the Good, it feels to me that first we need to recognize exactly where we are so that we can know in which direction to point ourselves.

At a spiritual level, to find the Good, the only way I can make sense of it is to recognize that every element of reality, in any situation, is here for my potential growth. And I mean every bit of it – including the mean thoughts and feelings I have about my sick husband. If I don’t admit to these feelings, they grow and fester in the dark.

Every moment of this experience is here to show us to ourselves — all the pettiness and compassion and sorrow and love. And maybe the really hard stuff is the most important because not only are the consequences so dire, but the potential for growth is so high! For this is the suffering that most captures our attention.

The great psychologist, Jordan Peterson, talks about the symbolism of the Cross and the Labyrinth. In both of these symbols we travel from the outside toward the center. Peterson says that to understand these symbols, we have to realize that the transformation of each of us takes place at the center, where the suffering is the most intense. In other words, the greater the suffering, the greater the potential for transformation. I see that through this suffering comes the possibility to awaken wisdom and a kind of grace.

The truly remarkable thing to me is that neither one of us has actually “lost it.” Neither one of us has freaked out to the point of losing our integrity or our center. We are not filled with suffering. We recognize it, but it doesn’t own us, and it feels like it’s all just a matter of perspective. We can talk about our anger, a potentially dangerous topic, and we can do it with calm and decency and respect.

The further into the chaos and pain of illness we dive, and the more suffering we endure, the more the potential for transformation shows itself. I see that my anger is an expression of my fear and pain and I can recognize it for what it is — potential for huge growth!

Now, able to be at my best, I forgive myself for my anger. As I do, I see this time as allowing me more clarity than I have ever had, and I literally feel awash in love for myself and others. Similarly, a few nights ago, Michael spent the entire evening in bliss — the entire evening! Both of these experiences feel like a complete miracle to me.

It really is only a matter of perspective, and this level of perspective can be taken by any of us. When we find ourselves suffering, we can dare to face into it, we can dare to know that we are exactly where we are supposed to be, we can dare to be truthful and open. It simply involves taking responsibility for where we find ourselves and for telling the truth. It really is as clear as this.

At this point, Michael knows how I feel, and I know how Michael feels. We know each other’s myriad thoughts and feelings around death and dying. I sense that now anger may be more a part of the mix than it used to be. But even if it is, now I know its face and I’ve heard its speech. It will catch my attention sooner if it comes again. And if it comes,  I know everything is on the table between us, and I can continue to speak what needs to be spoken. What a relief! I have never had the opportunity to be this honest and free before, and I think Michael feels the same.

So weirdly, though grief is in the background of every day, this isn’t just some difficult time in our lives. It is also a time when waves of joy dance within us, when things are more important, when truth is paramount, and when consciousness allows us to rise above these horrors and see them for the human comedy that they truly are.  It is a time for loving each other in a deeper, different way.

For any of us, learning how to be with our suffering is one of the greatest gifts of any crisis. In it, there is real potential for deep recognition of the patterns that have bound us. Today I see that Michael and I are receiving a tremendous opportunity. I realize we are moving more consciously into our suffering and into our hearts. I feel us standing together, witnessing in awe, the huge blessings and mysteries that unfold around death.

Thin Ice

We are completely shocked, completely taken aback. We had no idea that the ice we are skating on is quite this thin.

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December 21, 2017

We meet with our wonderful nurse practitioner once again and after 17 months of treatment she tells us that Michael’s light chain numbers, though slightly lower, are still not in the normal range. She tells us that if they hadn’t gone down, the medical team would have recommended a “salvage transplant.” We are completely shocked, completely taken aback. We had no idea that the ice we are skating on is quite this thin.

What a phrase! A Salvage Transplant. It sounds so industrial, so vehicular. And I guess to some extent the language is actually representing the spiritual understanding. It literally would be a stem cell transplant to salvage the vehicle of the body, the vehicle of the soul. But it sounds harsh and desperate.

We come home in shock and upset. I’m trying to get my head around what another stem cell transplant would be like now that these transplants are done as outpatient procedures. This literally means that Michael would be taken to death’s door once again and that I would be the person at home taking care of him. Michael is remembering that it took him almost a year to truly recover from his first transplant. It’s overwhelming and I am terrified.

All I remember from the last transplant is that it was a time in hell. The idea of going through diapers, and walkers, and sponge baths, and Michael’s horrifying loss of function once again, is utterly frightening. We would have to get help because I truly couldn’t do it alone.

Michael’s white blood count would be taken down to zero and he would be near death, unable to eat, drinking only minimal amounts of water, moaning and sleeping most of the time.

I would be on call 24-hours a day trying to get him to sip water or broth, keeping him warm, monitoring his intake and output, taking his blood pressure and temperature, and keeping him clean and bathed. I would have to quit my work, hire nurses, and get help with all kinds of tasks that I’m simply not strong enough to do. Just getting Michael in and out of the few steps to our house, wheelchair bound, for our daily trips to the hospital, would require more than I can do. If I dropped him, or if he fell, I simply couldn’t pick him up.

I’m realizing that this salvage transplant idea has scared me to the point of complete ungroundedness until today. Once I meditate and accept my feelings of fear and terrible sorrow, I can move on. Finally energy comes flooding through me from crown to feet. It is the energy of this holy day, this Solstice.

This energy allows me to realize we have reached the beginning of the end – or at least the beginning of the end of Michael’s formal medical treatment. I finally say these words to myself today: The beginning of the end. There may be a long middle section, I don’t know, but it’s clear that we have reached a new level of seriousness. And though Michael doesn’t need a salvage transplant this week, I have a strong intuition that it will be offered again in the future.

What does this mean now? We’ve both been thinking about how to live whatever life we’ve got left. It’s the question for anyone our age, and really, and it is the question for all of us all the time. How do we live a good life within whatever restrictions life has placed upon us?

This is the richest ground, this thin ice, upon which we’ve ever stood. Perhaps richness tends to happen more easily within the restricted ground of mortal illness. It compels us to look closely and pay such deep attention. Life and death are literally at stake and we are forced to live in the present moment! There seems to be little effort in this other than a commitment to see and hear what is really going on around us. What a grand and unexpected benefit this is in a crisis — present-centeredness simply happens.

Since it is the Winter Solstice, we both do tarot card readings, trying to see ahead into our murky futures. This is the reading that looks at the movements of energy within us until Spring raises her lovely green head again in March.

My reading was positive though I have to realize that I am blocking my “initiation into the secret doctrine” (The Hierophant) with my sense of being imprisoned by circumstances (8 Swords). In the four cards that represent the self’s pillar, I receive the Sun, 3 of Pentacles, the Devil, and the High Priestess as the outcome.

The message seems clear to me. My heart (the Sun) is shining brightly and my environment is colored by “perfected work.” But then the Devil appears warning against delusion, illusion, and the power of the mind to distort reality. Finally, the High Priestess emerges as the outcome. On the Tree of Life she is the guardian and the guide to the central channel that leads to the Highest High. Oh how I wish to be guided by her! I meditate on her blue light and find peace.

Michael’s reading is more mixed. His enlightenment is present in the Temperance card that appears in the position of the past. And there are other helpful energies along the way, but he is plagued with the same sense of imprisonment that I had (8 Swords) though his appears as the Self card, which seems fitting. The Tower is also in the self pillar indicating some kind of lightning strike, the hand of God reaching out and upending the status quo. His outcome is the 9 of Swords – sleepless nights. We literally laugh out loud as this card is turned. As a natural outgrowth of this process, we’ve had many sleepless nights, and it looks as if these will continue.

Today Michael says, “I probably won’t go through with another transplant. There’s literally no research to support it.” He explains that there is some support for using this second transplant in a related disease but it’s only anecdotal evidence and it’s for people who’ve already had a remission. Michael has never had a remission. All in all, the costs outweigh the benefits. Suddenly I find my first deep breath in days realizing that I’d had no idea how long I’d been holding my breath.

I’m so relieved by Michael’s statement, by his strength, by his good sense, by his willingness to face into whatever comes with courage and truth.

I write to our nurse practitioner about our concerns and she tells me that an outpatient transplant is “optional” and we could still do it as an inpatient procedure. Though neither of us heard this at the time of our appointment, it softens me and I realize we could make it through such a thing again. I tell Michael this and he says, “There’s still no data to support it.” And he’s right.

So, now, for whatever reason, as Winter dawns we are being drawn more deeply into ourselves. It seems very natural. We have arrived on this rich spiritual path to explore what it means to truly live our lives, knowing they can be overturned at any moment.

The ice is thin here, almost like glass, and I see through it into the depths of the water below. It can break at any moment and we can drown. But for now we are learning to skate this slippery path, learning to balance in the cold bracing air, giving ourselves freely to the heartbreak and joy that it means to be fully alive.

Life Purpose

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November 21, 2017

The new numbers just came back. The numbers that indicate if Michael’s new drug, the “last” drug, is working. And at least so far, it isn’t. The numbers remain stubbornly outside of the normal range and are almost exactly what they were on the previous drug which also wasn’t working.

Of course the word from the medical community is to give it time. The hope is that there is a cumulative effect and Michael has been told to stay on this new drug for a year. Regardless, both of our minds can’t help buzzing with this news, can’t help projecting ahead into the unknown, can’t help wondering what our next step is if there’s no improvement in the several months ahead.

“Maybe I’ve completed my purpose,” Michael says this to me as we sit on the couch facing each other to talk about the future once again. “I mean, maybe my soul purpose is done.”

“Maybe,” I say, “but I don’t know.”

He says this without self-pity. It’s just a statement of fact. The things he used to do, and the things he is doing now, are drying up. They’re not quite flowing. Naturally we both take this as a sign. For one reason or another, the flow of reality is not lining up with Michael’s efforts. This is unusual for him and it catches our attention.

He says, “It seems to me it’s a message. Things aren’t working for me.”

I can tell he really is seeing this clearly. It’s not about feeling sorry for himself. He’s simply noticing the flow of events, noticing where the flow is blocked and he’s not taking it personally.

“So what do you think that means?” I ask.

“It may mean my soul purpose is completed. It may mean I’m supposed to die.”

So now the entire question of one’s soul purpose presents itself at a deeper level and it opens up a huge area of inquiry. How do we even know what our life purpose is? And if it is completed, which in itself seems almost impossible to know, does that mean it is time to die? Can it ever truly be finished? Aren’t some of the greater purposes infinite in nature? Aren’t they always somewhat of a mystery?

Michael had a clear soul purpose before this illness: he was a healer and a teacher and he has done these things. But those purposes have been taken away and it’s likely they won’t return. And everyone who retires is more or less facing this same question – what is my purpose if I’m not doing what I’ve always done? How do I share myself in a way that supports my sense of purpose, in a way that furthers the greater good? And those who are ill may face an especially difficult question: What is my purpose if I’m no longer even able to do what I would like to do?

Add to this the interesting fact that Michael’s spiritual awakening occurred just a few months prior to his diagnosis, and the question becomes even more complicated. Was his life purpose simply to wake up? And then what? Die?

I believe our life purpose is something that can be discovered but it’s far more mysterious than our careers, or our partners, or our hobbies. Some people are born knowing what their purpose is in life. But most of us aren’t that fortunate and we have to stumble around while trying to figure it out, and sometimes we never do.

In my stumbling I’m learning that we don’t move through life, life moves through us. And in that movement we encounter exactly what life wants from us whether we know it or not. Life has its own agenda! And we may, or may not, ever know what it is. In fact, it’s possible that we don’t have to accomplish any particular thing in order for our purpose to be lived. It’s not about what we do, it’s about who we are.

So who is Michael now? He is a man who is facing death with as much dignity and acceptance as he can gather. He takes in the latest medical numbers with relative calm and with a sense of surrender to the greater Mystery.

Who am I? I am the woman watching the man facing death and trying to deal with the many impossible feelings that arise as I do so, trying to face all of it with humility, love, and raw truth. Elucidating this process seems to be my purpose right now.

One thing I’ve discovered for sure is that it doesn’t matter how many mental gyrations I go through – it still hurts. Each new layer of illness is another loss, another adjustment, another tragedy, and it does no good to deny this. There is a huge amount of suffering in watching this drama unfold and there is no way around it. And, ultimately, thank god for it!

Through these events I am being given the immense gift of time. For time is letting me work through this process and is allowing me to feel more than I’ve felt in years. Time is giving my mind the space to thrive on thoughts and words that I never knew were in me. Time is allowing tremendous spiritual richness in the encounter with death and dying. And finally, even though I am deeply sad, in some profound way, time is making me grateful for sorrow.

For all of it is true! All the feelings, all the thoughts, all the ambivalence, and all the events. The revelation, over and over, is that this is the truth of life and death. This is the way it is. And even this level of suffering and loss is worth it. I’m learning that as harsh as it is, the experience of life and death is worth the suffering, for within it we have the opportunity to find our best and highest selves.

If life purpose is actually about who we are rather than what we do, it seems to me that all we can really do is take the next step, the one that is right in front of us, and take it with as much integrity, and presence, and grace as we can muster. Each step leads to another, and with each step we learn to trust the process of simply Being more and more deeply. And even though sometimes a step plunges us into chaos, chaos can become our greatest teacher.

We can learn to do this dance of life with all of its missteps, gracelessness, and errors. We can learn to trust that if we fully do the dance, with every part of our being, in the end we will be led to know why we’ve come here. For ultimately, this feels like it is life’s purpose — to live  as fully and deeply as we dare.

Growing Up

Often we are rewarded in this society for giving ourselves up for others. And though this is the partial essence of loving thy neighbor as thyself, it can also turn into a terrible and twisted version of martyrdom.

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“When we tell the truth, we create goodness.” – Jordan Peterson

Lately I’m realizing that Michael’s illness has pushed both of us in ways we would never have otherwise been pushed. Both of us are in some way, finally growing up, finally being the adults we were always meant to be.

In the past week we are both taking care of ourselves pretty well. Michael’s blood sugar coming under control has really helped the situation. He’d been feeling really low, physically exhausted, and his mental attitude had started to decline. He was talking more about dying, and I was thinking about him dying more often.

Once we found out that his chemo drugs had made him diabetic, things started to improve. He’s taking blood sugar medication and watching his diet and he’s feeling much better. Regardless, it was certainly a lesson in how things could be, how the decline into death might take place. Since he is better I can write about it again. At the time, I truly didn’t have the words.

Now that life is more stable, it’s made me think again about Ken Wilber’s recipe for true adulthood. He exhorts us to do four things: Grow Up, Clean Up, Wake Up, and Show Up. It’s a terrific shorthand for a way to think about one’s own level of maturity.

Growing Up is about becoming someone who takes responsibility, who can be counted on, who tells the truth, and who honors their word. It’s simple to write these words, but this is a huge leap in consciousness! It requires the discipline of pointing one’s self toward the good, over and over again. It requires telling the truth as best we can. When we lie to ourselves or others, it makes us weak. And I mean that literally — it makes us fall out of alignment and it weakens our spirits.

To Wake Up is the act of realizing the true nature of one’s essential being. These easy words belie the mountain of thoughts and efforts that lead to this state, but both Michael and I have awakened to some extent. I can feel my own need to continue to grow and stabilize my level of awareness, and Michael is doing the same. Regardless, we are on the path of awakening and we know it.

Showing Up is simple really – it’s the recognition of what is needed by the world and taking the action to do whatever one can to fulfill it. What is needed is usually whatever is right in front of us. It is what is showing up in the present moment that needs our clear attention, and then doing what the world is asking of us in that moment. This can be simple or complicated but it is always about taking an action that leads toward the greater good.

But Cleaning Up – oh my – it’s a long and arduous process of encountering the Shadow parts of ourselves. It is also infinite because the dark unprocessed parts of ourselves are always opening beneath us, beneath our consciousness, always becoming. They show themselves in the dreams, the trances, the unformed chaos beneath our psyches. The great psychologist Carl Jung believed that these shadow parts are the literal key to our vitality and life force, and they are usually deeply hidden from us.

The Shadow is made up of all the parts of us we don’t want to see – the anger, the resentments, the judgments, the fears – all of this never goes away!  And though the Shadow also holds immense creative powers, these are hidden in the depths of our psyches until we have the courage to face into the darkness we are blocking. We can’t escape our Shadows! We can’t “make” them go away. And the more we try, the larger they become.

For what heals the Shadow, what “cleans” it, isn’t an effort to make it go away. Rather it is the willing acceptance and integration of our darkest impulses, our humanness, and our flaws. In other words, we work toward the loving acceptance of who we are in all of our tragedy, our selfishness, our vulnerability, and our fear.

I find that each of us, in our own way is working on these four dimensions of true adulthood. But it’s the Shadow, always the Shadow, the keeps me up at night.

Lately I’ve been seeing our cultural Shadow in the stories of caregiving that I hear around me and I’ve been noticing that the line between the martyr and the saint is a huge ongoing question for me.

Often we are rewarded in this society for giving ourselves up for others. And though this is the partial essence of loving thy neighbor as thyself, it can also turn into a terrible and twisted version of martyrdom. For the saint is walking a path that sacrifices the self in the name of a higher calling while the martyr may be walking the exact same path but at the cost of their own life force and their very soul.

I’ve been hearing about people who have completely put their lives on hold for their sick partner for years and years at a time. These people are held up as examples of how to be a good caregiver in spite of the fact that their own sacred life has been stymied and reduced. I hear these stories and I find my shadowy anger rising within me. “My life is important too!” it shouts at me.

I’ve also heard the stories of those who leave their ailing partner because they can’t deal with the suffering, and these stories are held up as morality lessons, a lesson in how not to be. My Shadow insinuates itself here with visions of escape and fantasies of life alone which immediately leads to feelings of guilt and shame.

Occasionally there are stories of caregivers who have somehow managed to find the middle path – to care for their loved one and to care for themselves but these stories aren’t as common or as vivid. It is the extremes of the caregiving stories that we hear most often. This is the hardest wrestling match, this middle path. It is the one that demands my firm commitment to goodness toward myself and toward Michael, even when this goodness may lead in opposite directions.

Regardless, these stories raise many questions: Have I been kind enough to my husband? Have I been kind enough to myself? Do I need to speak more truth to him? Speak less? Do more? Surely not. Surely? Could I be more loving toward him? Toward myself?

These are not easy questions and there’s no single right answer. In any relationship, whether in sickness or in health, these questions arise — questions of how much to give to another and how much to give to one’s self. Questions of loyalty and care, and just as much, questions of obligation and responsibility.

I’m in a mighty wrestling match with these questions right now, and though I continue to be grown up, continue to show up, and continue to try to find the highest good, the Shadow arises taking me into my most difficult questions about myself and my motives. I’m finding that obligation, loyalty, and self-love often define a very narrow line to walk — the proverbial razor’s edge.

In an effort to quell the Shadow, I tell Michael that I’m trying something new. Today I say that I will assume he is fine unless he tells me differently. He is relieved when I say this. “Well, great!” he says. “It’s about time.” He has witnessed my worry and what he must see as over-protection and he’s glad that I’m giving him more space.

Then I add, “I mean that at every level – physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual. I expect that you will tell me if something is wrong. Otherwise I will assume that everything is ok.” Again he agrees and he seems to understand.

Somehow I feel a new sense of freedom in this! I won’t be mentally chasing Michael to find out how he is. I won’t be constantly wondering and worrying over his situation, or at least I hope I won’t. He will simply tell me. And if this is true, it will be a different way for us to relate to this illness of his – two independent adults, awake and caring companions, openly sharing their very different journeys with honesty and love.

Soul Contract

Our contracts aren’t meant to keep us safe and secure. They are meant to constantly throw us out onto the ragged edge of growth and change.

 

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I’ve been thinking about soul contracts lately. I look at soul contracts as agreements our souls make in order to grow in this lifetime. In it the soul agrees to its karmic lessons, experiences, and circumstances for its best chance at advancement of consciousness.

I’m seeing that Michael and I have made quite a contract together. Of course I can only see this contract in retrospect, and god knows, there may be more to come.

But here’s what I know so far: Clearly Michael and I were to meet and help each other out of marriages that were not happy for either of us. Clearly, we were to marry and raise three children. Clearly, we were to create a truly unique healing center together. Clearly, I was to have a potentially fatal disease from which I was to recover. Clearly, he was to care for me during this time, and then for some time after. Clearly, we were to encounter experiences that would lead both of us more deeply into spirit and higher consciousness. Clearly, once Michael became enlightened he was to be diagnosed with a mortal illness. And now clearly, I am to take care of him until he dies.

What a contract! There’s so much suffering within it, and so much potential for growth and love.

Part of what I’ve been doing is watching how this contract is unfolding and what my grief is teaching me over these long fifteen months.

First, grief comes in waves of watery energy. Anyone who has ever experienced a big loss knows this. Sometimes it comes gently, a soft rain of sadness, a pulling down but not under. Sometimes, unexpected, unplanned, and completely uncontrollable waves of grief spiral through me and suddenly I find myself lost in a storm of sorrowful realizations. Other times grief is so potent that only wracking sobs and an inchoate sense of falling are possible. These are the times in which I wonder if I will be pulled under to drown in a pain that is inconsolable and too huge to hold. But I do not drown and I am learning to hold.

Second, rather than stages of grief, it feels like layers of grief that reveal a new look into the depths of sorrow, despair, and fear. Sometimes I still find myself at the initial layer of shocked incomprehension. Other times I’ve plunged so deeply into sorrow that I’ve found a kind of peace. And then I can come all the way back up to the layer of denial and confusion.

I’ve been hoping to find the intersection of sorrow and peace in all of this for I know this search is part of my soul’s contract, part of my necessary growth. I’ve found that it does exist but I need to cry to find it. Once I’ve opened my heart to myself, then tears are followed by peace and by a deeper knowing of the nature of suffering and true compassion. But I must open my heart to myself for this to happen.

Lately I’ve realized that in spite of thinking that I was handling grief about as well as anyone can, what I was actually doing early on was protecting myself with fantasy and a kind of mean-eyed clarity. Fantasies of what my future would be like began to take up a fair amount of my mind-time. How old will I be when Michael dies? How will I want to be living my life? Where will I want to live? Will I get married again? What kind of man will I be looking for?

At the same time, thoughts about our marriage and the holes in our relationship became more prominent. And like all marriages, ours is not perfect. There are co-dependencies that have developed that don’t feel healthy and that have made me question this relationship on and off for a number of years. I spent months inwardly chasing fantasies while looking for some kind of security in an inherently insecure situation.

The hell of it is that we all have these codependent relationships, at least until we really grow up. Not all of them are unhealthy, of course, and any long term relationship will have worked out various methods of getting needs met – rituals and patterns that can be life-sustaining or life-denying. At some point, and maybe too often, we end up needing something from someone we love to the point of compromising ourselves in order to get it.

This is what it feels like to me. Soon, the compromises begin to erode one’s self-reliance and one’s self-respect, and eventually, one’s essence. And even when the erosion is very subtle, it’s still part of the scene.

For instance, very unconsciously I remained chronically fatigued for years so that Michael would take care of me. In turn he got to feel secure because I needed him so much. Please hear that I am not blaming him for this in the least! This pattern plays way back into my childhood, and even though I know and understand this pattern, I couldn’t stop feeling physically worn out.

So interestingly, when Michael became truly ill, I began to be truly well. I’ve been struck by this on many occasions, and I know other people have too. I still have many of the symptoms I had before, I’m still sensitive in ways I sometimes wish I wasn’t, I’m still tired sometimes, but I don’t feel sick any more! And weirdly enough, our pattern was so well entrenched that even with knowing every in and out of it, every devious little twist and turn of it, we were powerless to stop it until Michael got sick. It took something this dire to shake us out of a pattern that wasn’t nourishing either of us!

Michael also knows about this pattern, of course, because it’s been a running commentary between us over the years – me bringing it up and him inwardly groaning while outwardly taking it on. And now we both see the changes that have been wrought in these past fifteen months. Mostly, we aren’t stuck in the old ways anymore – he knows I love him for things deeper than his care of me. And I know that I can take care of myself.

Of course, there’s been a high cost for this. From time to time, I’m overwhelmed with grief and responsibility, and Michael is coping with debilitating illness and chemotherapy side effects. We’re both looking at tremendous losses but of very different sorts. What a price to pay for freedom. What a contract!

But ultimately, the greatest freedom I’ve found is that grief isn’t anything to fear. It’s harsh and sad and sometimes overwhelmingly empty. But the thing that has to be accepted with grief is that there is no protection! There is no safety in this physical life except the full acceptance of what it really is. That’s it. Everyone you love will either leave you or you will leave them. There’s no way around it.

Our contracts aren’t meant to keep us safe and secure. They are meant to constantly throw us out onto the ragged edge of growth and change. There is nothing to hold on to here but love.

And though I still feel fear, I know it is an illusion. I can’t hide in fantasies about the future or resentments about the past. But to really love, I have to risk everything and at last come to peace with this complete lack of safety. This means opening my heart with absolute certainty that it’s going to be broken. Now I truly know that I am staring death in the face, and that I am going to lose.

If I really accept this, really surrender to this ongoing practice, then I do find peace or rather, peace finds me – and that is the other wisdom that has come. I can chase peace with a desperate determination but I won’t find it by chasing it. It simply arises in a moment of grace and then there it is.

For that is what is happening now. Michael and I have found a new peace together. It’s not romantic or sexual at all – that has been stripped away. Instead, we’re often just sitting together, talking, and holding hands. It’s the way our soul contract currently expresses itself and we both know that we came here to live it out. It is full of goodness and it is asking us to be our best selves. We try to live up to it.

So what is left between us? It is phenomenal respect, friendship, and compassion for our beingness, for what we’ve been and what we are, and for what we may become. What is left is the essence of love. Finally, we have reached a simple purity of goodness – the goodness of being able to sit in deep comfort, to hold hands in the quiet darkness, to speak softly of spirit in its many guises, and then, to go gently into that good night.

Death’s Lessons

No matter when it happens, Michael is on his way to a good death in which he is loved and cared for and spiritually awake.

broken heart

September 21, 2017

We got Michael’s new numbers three days ago and they aren’t looking good. They’re about the same as last month’s numbers which are still far outside of the normal range. In effect it looks as if the current treatment regimen isn’t doing what it is supposed to do. This is a blow I literally feel in my gut and my heart – things just aren’t getting better.

Our cheerful new Indian doctor tells us he wants Michael on the same protocol for another year. I can’t stop myself and I say, “Another year?!!” He immediately backs off to another 6 months – and I mentally thank god that he’s amenable to negotiation. But even another 6 months of this treatment that isn’t working seems absurd to me and I begin to say so, “What’s the point of continuing to pursue a treatment that appears to have plateaued?” He hears this and he shakes his head and he says, “You are right! It does not make sense.”

Then Michael says the magic words. He says, “We are healthcare professionals and we understand the protocols you are operating under.” Our doctor immediately relaxes and smiles. We are healthcare professionals. We understand. Suddenly the whole scenario becomes one human being talking with other human beings. It is such a relief! He tells us, “You can ask me anything and I will tell you the truth.” So now we really get down to business.

The doctor wants Michael to stay on the current protocol for another month. If there are still no substantial changes then he will change one of the medications for another one that is in the same class of drugs for two months. If that doesn’t make a difference, we go to the last real option – a drug that has been very effective for amyloidosis treatment. Of course I am wondering why we didn’t go to this drug long ago but the doctor tells us it’s really the option that they like to “save for last.”

The other reality is that insurance won’t pay for this drug unless Michael has “failed” the other protocols. It’s ridiculous. Our bill is already way over $800,000. I mean, how much money could have gotten “saved” by following this plan? Thankfully, Medicare has paid the bulk of this or there literally would be no way that we could continue with any kind of treatment.

We leave the doctor to go for the chemotherapy appointment feeling that we’ve made some kind of progress, though I’m not really sure what it is. Still, both of us are feeling a bit lighter. Once we’re in the chemo suite Michael says, “You know, in spite of everything, I’m still feeling positive.”

I look at him, not wanting to cry, and I say, “At this point, I’m just struggling to stay neutral,” and I turn away before he can see how much emotion is behind this statement. I really don’t want to rain on his parade, such as it is, but I have to tell the truth.

Then he says, “I’m actually pretty happy, you know. I’m doing OK,” and I believe him. I remember a conversation with one of my sons who said he thinks it’s easier for the one who is dying than it is for those who are left behind. At the time I agreed with him, and in many instances, I still do. No matter when it happens, Michael is on his way to a good death in which he is loved and cared for and spiritually awake.

I’ve been noticing lately that there are two Michaels obviously in play now – the mortal and the immortal, one facing toward life, the other facing toward death. It’s quite interesting because they can both show up within a few moments of each other, even within the same sentence sometimes. The immortal Michael is absolutely ready for death. He knows it’s coming, he’s not afraid, and in some way, he welcomes it. He knows that to be conscious without a body is one of the most beautiful of gifts.

The mortal Michael staunchly, stoically, and fiercely clings to life. He says he still loves life, he’s feeling optimistic about his prognosis, and he’s not really suffering except physically. Now sentences begin with, “ I’m really tired and it’s feeling hard to go on today, but I’m also really fine.” And both of these things are true.

As we sit for the long wait for the chemotherapy to be delivered, we talk about the new numbers. Michael’s kidney function is normal. This is good news because it means that for whatever reason, the amyloids are not being deposited in his kidneys and probably he won’t need dialysis. I say that I’m guessing it’s his heart that is taking the brunt of the deposits and he agrees. But he says that even that is good because it would mean a quick death – a heart attack.

My gut gets queasy, and a feeling of dizziness overtakes me. I excuse myself to go for a walk. A heart attack is “good.” I understand what he’s saying but what sort of a situation are we in that makes a heart attack good? I’m trying to take this in and I go outside to the small garden that is beyond the chemo area. I need a place to sit, a quiet place, and of course these places are very hard to come by at this huge hospital. I walk the length of the tall black fence that lines the garden only to find that there is a strong lock on the gate that leads to benches and plantings and some semblance of peace. Oh well. I continue walking until I find a tree in this barren place, one of the few, that I can sit under to feel the ground again.

I sit on the earth more deeply now and meditate in order to still the torrent of emotions within. “Here is the truth,” I hear myself say, “My husband is seriously ill and so far, not really getting better. Sink into the earth. Accept this hard truth. Just feel it, allow it in fully. Let it be.” It’s amazing to me how often this is the lesson in life, in any situation in life – just learning to accept reality exactly as it is.

Of course this is much easier said than done. I can point to other losses in my life – my father’s death at an early age, my divorce, my children leaving home, a few good friends who have gone in other directions – all of this has hurt. And now it feels like all of these losses have been leading to this one. This is the deep grief of life, the loss of loved ones, the loss of our own life, the deepest sorrows. And all of us must face it in some way or another.

As I am sitting I realize with stark intensity that when Michael dies, it is likely that I will never be loved so well again. There will never again be someone who has cared for me for 34 years. There will never again be someone who knows me in this particular and intricate depth. And this is true with any death of a long-held and deeply loved one.

But there is also a raw intensity of beauty in all of this. There is the potent and insistent knowing that life is ephemeral, passes quickly, and is gone. Death reminds us that connection to others is the One True Thing. And the truly appalling thing is that we all know this! We’ve all lost someone and we know the aching emptiness of that loss and yet, somehow, we forget. Over and over, we forget death’s lesson.

As I continue to sit I hear a voice from my innermost being, “Open wide to all of it,” it says. “Let your heart be broken so deeply that it will never close again. This is the greatest gift of death. Receive it now, receive it with your entire being. Allow yourself to be broken open all the way, and always, always be guided by love.”

A Testament To Michael

It is a faith he has practiced his entire adult life and now it is here to be used in the biggest way possible.

Michael

September 9, 2017

Today I speak of Michael and his journey through illness.

Michael is going through hell. But you wouldn’t know it unless all you do is look at him. Certainly his body has changed immensely, but that is part of serious illness. It is his Spirit that remains remarkably pure.

Michael is going through hell. But each new wrinkle in this almost impossible process is met with equanimity and calm. Certainly, there are physical reactions to his plight. These are inevitable. But they rise and they fall away. He notes them, he mentions them, and then he leaps to the spiritual understanding that allows him to meet these gross indignities with both genuine acceptance and real presence.

Michael is going through hell. But his courage is intact. This is a trick worth noting! To be told that your “numbers” aren’t looking as good as they should, to take that information in fully and without resistance, and to accept that this is the reality, is a huge act of spiritual faith. It is a faith he has practiced his entire adult life and now it is here to be used in the biggest way possible.

And even though Michael is going through hell, he remains mostly steadfast in his belief in his eventual recovery. Of course there are times of doubt, times of trial, times of despair. It would be some kind of bizarre denial if there were not. But in spite of this, he remains focused on a good outcome. He’s looking forward to one day being off of chemotherapy and able to use whatever alternative therapies are available to him. In other words, he has hope.

From time to time he apologizes to me for having brought this sickness into our lives. “I’m sorry,” he says, “I’m sorry I brought this to us.” I say, “I’m sorry too. It’s been hard.” And then we go through the spiritual song and dance we’ve developed around his illness — each of us expressing that we know we are both players in this drama, that we’ve both chosen to be here to learn the lessons, that most of the time we’re learning something so deep we can’t even begin to name it.

Michael’s path to this level of understanding has come through Wisdom. He has studied esoteric traditions his whole life. He knows more about the arcane spiritual mysteries of almost every culture than anyone else I’ve met. And when he studies, he studies deeply.

He knows The Tree of Life, the Tarot, Builders of the Adytum, Rosicrucianism, Shiatsu, Chinese Medicine, Catholicism, the Bible, Reiki, Chakras, Remote Viewing, Astral Travel, Buddhism, Numerology, Astrology, Hidden Archeology, and much more. He can integrate information from a vast array of sources and bring it together in a way that is utterly unusual and genuinely deepening. And he believes in magic.

Michael used to be a master healer combining psychology and alternative medicine in a manner both unique and effective. He was also a highly unusual therapist with more than a little iconoclasm and irony thrown into the mix. At one point in his career he wrote psychological evaluations using numerology along with an array of other tests. They were seen as being “the most accurate personality assessments” that others had ever read. He has been known to tell clients that they “need to cut that shit out,” and amazingly, they have listened! People have literally come to see him from hundreds of miles away, have come to be healed, and have gone away satisfied.

Now this part of him is no longer operating, no longer relevant. Suddenly, and with warnings that went unheeded until they couldn’t be ignored, his Higher Self has chosen a different path.

So how does Michael now spend his days? Sometimes he writes, wanting to transmit spiritual understanding to others. Sometimes he practices his penmanship by copying numerous pages of historical documents using one of his precious ink pens and treasured Japanese inks. Sometimes he catches up on our financial books, a task I’ve managed to joyfully avoid. Sometimes he plays various games on his iPad. Sometimes he’s on Facebook and news channels and is more knowledgeable about what’s happening in the world than most. Sometimes he plays computer scrabble and then routinely beats me and our friend at scrabble on the weekends. Sometimes he bakes gluten-free bread, whirls an oddly-concocted smoothie, and makes apple crisp from our many backyard apples. Sometimes he appreciates the brief moment when the whole kitchen is clean. Sometimes he sits outside in a comfortable chair just watching the world go by.

Once a week, when he’s still high on steroids the day after chemo, he does chores. He goes to the store and the recycling center, gets gas, goes for a longer walk, and graces me with the immense gift of time alone in my own home. This kind of time has been rare! It’s only in the last month that I’ve truly stopped going to his chemotherapy appointments though I still go when we meet with the nurse or the doctor. The rest of the time now, he goes alone, and he actually seems to enjoy this solitude.

Michael meditates often. I suspect he goes to places most of us have never been. His knowledge of The Tree has allowed him a way into the Highest High and the Dazzling Dark. He has pierced the veil and met angels and guides and other archetypal energies on many occasions. He has been immersed in various qualities of light and sound and has been shaken to his core. He has been purified and blessed and he knows it. And finally, he has attained a permanent realization of his essence.

Occasionally, he wonders about what his life is coming to and what his task is now that he’s ill. There’s no definitive answer, of course, but it’s a question that each of us must ask if we are to find the hidden meanings behind the opaque face of physical reality.

Michael is going through hell but he seems to ask these life questions with great courage and grace. Certainly he complains from time to time but mostly he is kind and gentle and quiet.

Michael is going through hell. And still, he loves me as best he can and I return the gift. I have such deep respect for how he is meeting this time, these circumstances, this place in his life.

Michael is going through hell but it is no longer hell that he walks through. It has transformed him and he has transformed it. It is the challenge of meeting life on its own terms with absolute knowledge that it all ends in death. For all of us. And there is no fear.

Now Michael and I are such great friends and we sit together, not in hell, but in a new kind of peace. It is a peace built on living without answers, of not having a clue, of not knowing much of anything, and still somehow accepting and trusting it all.